I have heard it said many times in meditation programs…you will face a feeling of dying, it is an ego death.
well I thought I was over it by now.
After many years of engaging with all kinds of “facing death” types of exercises at home and practices in retreats, workshops, and developmental programs, I figured I had faced all my fears, including death, pain, annihilation. and I was so proud, that I talked about it often!
But yet, again, and again, and again, my path takes me to the point where it feels like I am about to die. if I let go anymore, I will surely die his time.
At first, for a few years it was a feeling of dying from emotions. Feeling things I did not want to feel, that I think most humans do not want to feel. but I went there each time, sobbed and fell to the floor in despair. and rose again.
and each time I thought I was done;-) Surely that was all of it!
But yet again…I found myself at another gateway of death, another part of the self that was hanging on for dear life, determined that it was saving me, and yet now another part of me was pushing it to let go, and perhaps disappear, die, or free up energy for something else.
I cannot count how many times I have had this experience in the last year.
In the last week, there was a ping-pong game going between my left and right side of the body – with each side bringing forward something that needed to let go… into dying. First, on the left side, then the next day it was on the right side, then the next day on the left side, etc.
Finally, there was a veil of sheer terror that moved all the way down the whole body, from top to bottom, and it felt like my will (controlling part of self, ego, willpower) surrendered its protective mechanisms, my mind let go of its control and its reliable ways to get things done and push myself forward, and then my whole system (body, self, mind) allowed itself to let go of everything, and die if that is what was about to happen.
So what happened next?
I did not know if I would come out of it.
But I did. Many times now…and each time there is rebalancing in the experience of being Tara and being alive. Less fear, more creativity. Less pushing, more flow and ease. Less confusion, more clarity. New parts of the self emerge and begin to lead the system….
Now it is your turn;)
Where is one area in your life or internal experience that seems like a “letting go” is needed? Can you sense one fear or resistance or controlling issue – that could transform – if you went all the way in experientially, to face whatever gateway and path is there, and then let go right into the center of it.
If you want support, you can use my guided meditation practice for letting go – sign up below for access to my free resources at luminate.us.