Feels like I am returning to the human world in 2025, after many years away traveling on the road and withdrawing from most of social roles and societal identities.
Each year took me deeper into my soul’s hidden layers, that I was hiding from myself, because of fear and pain I avoided feeling.
Each phase of spiritual and soul development required more from me. I have been learning how to use my free will with greater degrees of conscious awareness and moral sensitivity to the effects of each choice, decision, and action.
Each phase offers me options, to stop or keep going deeper.
Often the temptations to stop and get off the train…are so strong that it takes me a few hours or days to see through it. The most difficult temptations are those that appealed to my fear of feeling fear, threatened my primary sources of feeling safe/secure in the world, or felt like I was losing my methods of protecting myself from others (for me protection is done through desperate frenzied actions toward feeding my need to know the truth, what is right, and feeling morally superior to others).
For example of one fear:
to continue into moving into more unknown, uncontrolled, unseen territories off the known maps of documented human experiences, in search of absolute truth, pure love, and power to create good…
or temptations to go back to the pre-programmed known pleasures and secure familiar world of our human-created society (similar to the Matrix film: a “red pill or blue pill” choice over and over again).
It was hard to go on each day, because my physical life on earth began to look like a bigger mess, or a mistake to those around me, like a ship going down! I questioned my own sanity, mental health, emotional health…was I crazy or stupid?
Plus my inner critics and voices of self-doubt kept offering tempting easy ways to go back to what I was, and try to escape this pain and fear, to numb my body and senses again, and to avoid feeling the cause of each of my fears, angers, shames, sorrows, and pains.
But on the inside of me, life began to make sense!
Slowly, all the pieces started to come together…
So I knew I was moving in the right direction each year….even though it was taking me longer than I thought it would and should!
I hope public transparency about the dark side, shadows, and difficulties feeling and healing the moral corruptions in my heart and soul can benefit someone else:
people who may seem to “have it all” on the outside, or at least have everything they wanted externally, yet on the inside may feel trapped, lost, confused, alone, crazy, fearful, frantic, panicked or endlessly busy, stressed and unable to truly relax the nervous system for more than minutes or hours at a time (without medications, sedatives, or substances like alcohol).
or people who may be desperately trying to figure things out and do the “right” thing, yet at times feel like they are losing their mind, their heart, or their soul, and can’t go on like this much longer.
Perhaps there are other women like me who put on a happy face, try to look pretty and be nice and kind to everyone, and yet inwardly hide unbearable pain, shame, humiliation, resentment, outrage, and rebellion against it all.
People who control themselves to feel positive and happy, pretending everything is ok when it is not.
Perhaps there are people like me, who don’t know how to feel their real emotions, especially painful or negative feelings.
Perhaps there are people like me who recognize the desire in most people including myself to avoid around being completely honest with the people they claim to care about and live with. No wonder our government leaders are so dishonest…it is normal to hide and lie even to the people we are closest with and claim to “love”. How can love flow without honesty and truth between people? Lies do not feel like love to me. Maybe real love reveals truth, no matter what the reaction of others may be. Maybe truthful love sets people free to make their own choices and decisions (love does not control someone, nor take away their privacy and freedoms).
Perhaps there are people like me who can put on a good “show” and make the surface level of their life look “good” and moral and attractive, having lots of fun with friends, a life filled with enjoyments, entertainment, travels, photos of endless smiles across the life span.
These types of strategies I used for 50+ years of my life, trying everything I could…to be happy, good, do life “right” according to my family and society.
Even though my physical body began to reveal the true effects of stress and strain by 30 years old, when autoimmune diseases associated with lupus began to show up in my medical tests. BY my 40s, my body’s thyroid, adrenals, and joints began to suffer constantly.
I tried everything I could to be happy in this society, to be a good person, a loving person, to take care of my mother and myself, but in the end felt like I failed at everything. That is how it truly felt on the inside, because (1) the outside world of people was never satisfied….it was never enough, never good enough, never sufficient for others…always more was needed. Even though I was described as a “people pleaser”.
(2) the inside of me felt like my soul had been sold to perform for the outside world, and my body began to show the costs, accumulating more illness and pain, year after year.
Actually, the first obvious outward SOS (Sign of Soul Stress) was in my 6 year old body, when I was biting off my fingernails so low that they bled and hurt everyday, and one finger became infected so badly I had to go the emergency room for help.
These coping strategies listed here are some of my major addictions within our human created society, and I don’t know how much longer it will take me to experience my self as free from the causes of my spiritual and emotional injuries, ancestral patterns of false beliefs and ingrained fears, intergenerational lies, and societal programming.
So I want to start sharing publicly what I am learning about our human souls, trusting the soul’s SOS signals, healing my soul’s pain, and removing the causes of each of my fears and angers, including ancestral patterns and lies about love.
At first I did this on my own with the help of other humans… but eventually discovered the “fast” path via developing a direct relationship with God, the creator of all. Currently I am writing a summary of everything I have learned about human-created pain (for example, the fears and lies that cause humans to kill other humans) and how to heal the body/heart/soul. My lifetime studies include hundreds of resources, books, classes, programs, models, research…and most recently finding www.divinetruth.com as a surprising provocative summary of resources linking God with religions, spirituality, emotional sensitivity, healing therapies like IFS, somatic bodywork and deep breathing, etc.
The benefits I experience as continue to heal ancestral patterns of violence and fear, heal emotional injuries, and develop spiritual principles related to moral ethics of love and truth:
- less and less pain at all levels of my existence (physical body, sexually, emotionally, spiritually)
- less fear and anger
- more mental clarity
- more calmness and ease with any situation
- more focus on my true priorities and soul’s deepest aspirations
- more honesty in my relationships with others
- more sensitivity in my awareness and experience of self
- less blind spots within myself
- more transparency with other (less hiding, less withdrawing, less omitting the truth, more expressing my actual feelings and senses)
- more creativity and enjoying creating what feels loving and honest